I just came back from work and my eyes and hands (err, fingers) are already glued to the computer searching for something that I can't really tell if it's worth searching for. So here I am, like a night owl not thinking about what lies ahead for me tomorrow with work. And the thing is, my sister is just lurking around, doing some reviews for her last minute exams this week, so I cannot play music unless I have the energy to stand up and look for earphones.

She scowled at me for trying to play Rain's CD. Short digression: A good friend from Korea sent me a package this morning. The moment I woke up, my sister threw (take note: not handed so there was much force from being envious, I guess) a box to me. When I opened it, I found some glittery designs inside and there it was, "It's Raining" from the ever hunkie and drool-inducing hottie Bi/Rain. So, anyways, I got into my sister's nerves so she hollered some words I don't wanna remember. I just ignored her and stopped the player. And while I was surfing the net, I thought about the saying "Still water runs deep"...

What is there to say? What is there to do?

Just like the Tori Amos' song "have I been silent all these years?" Maybe I have been really really quiet all this time. Ask my friends (I suggest ask those whom I have known since childhood or elementary days), I had always been quiet. Not to brag, maybe that's why I am always the choice as a conduct awardee in our class. Even my close relatives and family members have always perceived me as the introvert, shy and indifferent person. When I was a kid, my cousin used to hang out at our house a lot. We would usually play Barbie dolls and other girl's stuff. Of course we were kids so there is no telling why we fight and when we will fight. And at that time, we fought about the doll. My cousin who is older than I am and perhaps, stronger and braver and vivacious than I am, bit my arm out of sheer anger and frustration (nanggigil in short because I have a very munchy arm). My mother told me that if she didn't enter the room, my cousin could've bitten off my arm. She recalled I silently cried all the time not until she came in, that's when the mute button in my mouth was un-pressed.

I had always been "patient" when it comes to friends, teachers, classmates and even strangers. I seldom complain. I don't have a voice. Or more apt, I prefer not to use my voice. I was the "shyest of them all". I was so shy that I can't even use the phone to inquire about something (inquire about a telephone number, that's when 114 was still available). I don't mingle with people, that's why my bestfriend (my blockmate) told me that during our day one in college orientation, her first impression of me was "suplada". I never speak up in class. Even if I know the answer, I don't say what is needed to say and you will never see me raise my arms. Blame Confucius, he said that those who speak less, know more. Also, I don't usually volunteer when there is some responsibility or some activity in school.

And now I kind of wonder, am I still that "shy girl" that I had used to be? Am I still that "still water" that people fail to test? I am still not sure whether I have changed or not. Most people (those that I know just recently) say that I am noisy and loud. I tend to always laugh and make fun of something or some event or worse, of other people (laitera). I tend to babble a lot, gossip, spread rumors and scoop for anything fishy and worth the chika-minute. I cannot believe if I will consider myself to be still quiet and reserved because how can I serve during mass and face a crowd (I am part of a religious organization in our parish who do readings during mass)? How was I able to withstand the pressure and the cliffhanging moment while we were defending for our thesis? How was I able to deliver my poetry recital in my Litera2 class? How did I survive terror interviews especially of big companies who inconsiderately do panel interviews? And just recently because of economic crisis and personal intentions of saving a lot for some unknown reason, I am so persistent in checking every cent that I spend in a day. And that is why even 50 cent-change from a tricycle ride is important...


Again, I thought about it-- the ancient Chinese saying: “Still water runs deep!”…

“Looking at the water’s stillness on the surface, we can hardly see or feel the rapid current that lies underneath, but, what lies under the surface could be truly terrifying… and yet the world is still largely unaware of the vastness of the current.”


Nasa loob ang kulo, that's what I think the tagalog translation of the saying...

Will I just scream when I pay 7 bucks to the jeepney driver soon? Who knows what I can do? Who knows how deep I am? I, myself cannot and will never know...