Since 11:00 P.M. Friday:

25 hours of deep-thinking
30 minutes coffee-drinking
3 1/2 forced sleeping
9 1/4 hours of phone-chatting
4 hours of frustrated-downloading
3 minutes singing...

Basket case (click for definition)

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind play tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm crackin' up


Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?
Who shot Rizal?
Why did the Eheads broke up?
Why love is blind?
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Is there life after death?
When will Gloria resign?
When is the next Martial Law?
How many strands of hair falls off from our head everyday?
What will happen to Kris Aquino and James Yap?
When is the next Mango sale?


7,107 x 9 - 12 / squareroot of the cube of 365 x pi - sin 60 - cos 30
x my cerebrum, cerebellum and medulla oblongata = 

Insomnia.
Nostalgia.
Melancholy.
Remorse.
Melodrama.
Insanity.
Paranoia

I'm a one-way motorway
I'm a road that drives follows you back home
I'm a streetlight shinin'
I'm a wide light blindin' bright burning off alone

It's times like these, you learn to live again
It's times like these, you give and give again
It's times like these, you learn to love again
It's times like these, time and time again

I'm a new day risin'
I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight
I'm a little divided:
Do I stay or runaway and leave it all behind?

I'm standing here, waiting for a bus
On a Saturday, laundry on my back
Ultraviolet rays, like I'm posing for a shot

Bakit nga ba ang pusa tumatawid kahit bawal ang jaywalking?
- from The Mongols' Bakit nga ba?

Patawid kami nun mula sa RCBC, pasakay na sana ng dyip papuntang Ayala. Di ko man lang namalayan si Muning. Lahat silang mga kasama ko ay lumayo. Ako lang ang hindi nakapansin na muntik ko nang maapakan ang kanyang kalamnan.

Kuting palang siya, nabawian na ng buhay. Asan na ang sinasabi nilang siyam na buhay ng mga pusa? Inaantay kong muling gumapang ang kanyang kaloob-looban, tipong parang sa mga pelikula na nabubuhay at gagalaw muli ang luray-luray na mga parte at unti-unting mabubuo ang katawan ng kalaban. Ngunit walang nangyari. Paulit-ulit pa siyang nasagasaan ng mga humaharurot na sasakyan. Wala man lang sumubok na dumapot at bigyan man lang siya ng konting dignidad at karapatang mahimlay kahit man lang sa isang sulok ng basurahan.

Ilang mga bagay, pangyayari at gawain ang mga sadya na nating nakasanayan o nakagawian, na alam natin ang kabuluhan, kahalagahan at dahilan? Parang masyado kasing nagiging kilos "robot" na lang ang karamihan sa ngayon. Sa sobrang paulit-ulit ang ginagawa sa araw-araw, nakalimutan na nating tayo ay mga espesyal na nilalang na may angking talino at talento.

Ilang mga ritwal ba ang binigyan natin ng kahulugan? Ang pagpunta ba natin sa simbahan tuwing Linggo ay dahil sa tapat, matibay at malakas ang ating pananampalataya sa Kaniya? Di kaya dahil araw lang ng Linggo, may bago kang damit na maisusuot, kailangan mong makakain ng hostiya at makisama sa paghawak-kamay tuwing Ama Namin? Eh, sa tuwing sasapit ang Hunyo. Ilang kabataan ba ang papasok sa eskuwela dahil gusto talagang may matutunan? Hindi ba tayo'y pumapasok lang dahil sa mga bago nating notebook, sapatos at uniporme? Ang pagkain na nga lang sa alas-dose ng tanghali ay isang repleksyon na tayo'y umaasa na lang sa dikta ng orasan.

Another sleepless night. My head swaddled and swarming with sourly sanctifying seditions. Hahaha. One of the few moments when I felt my brain really did work. I was really tired and sleepy. The least place I can see myself in is in my bed, terribly and deafeningly snoring to death. But why do I find myself slacked in front of the TV, popping "Reality Bites" on the video player?

The next thing I know, I am inside Troy's world. Wait, wait! Troy who?

Troy Dyer...

...The guy who needs an IQ prerequisite to engage in a conversation.

Sabi ng kaibigan ko, ito daw ang nababagay itawag sakin. Nabingi siguro ako sa pangalan ni Confucius at iba ang pagkaintindi ko. Isip-isip. Makakabuo na yata ako ng bagong imbensyon sa mundo sa tagal kong nag-iisip at nagmumuni-muni. Sabi ng nanay ko salawahan daw ako. Ang gulo. Magulo ang mundo. Pati ang utak ko ang gulo. Daig pa ang nangyayari ngayon sa gobyerno. Pakiramdam ko nadaya din ako ng kapalaran. O di kaya, dinaya ko ang sarili ko?

Hay! Ilang araw na ba akong ganito? Nakaupo, tulala, nag-iisip, kukunot, kukurap, hihikab, magbubugtong-hininga?

Ang daming nagtataka at nagtatanong. Ang daming nag-aantay ng sagot.

Hello, God?

Sana sumagot siya. Ngayon, hanggang dito na lang muna ang kaya kong isagot. 


Octavio Paz' "Between Going and Staying"

Between going and staying the day wavers,
in love with its own transparency.
The circular afternoon is now a bay
where the world in stillness rocks.

All is visible and all elusive,
all is near and can't be touched.

Paper, book, pencil, glass,
rest in the shade of their names.

Time throbbing in my temples repeats
the same unchanging syllable of blood.

The light turns the indifferent wall
into a ghostly theater of reflections.

I find myself in the middle of an eye,
watching myself in its blank stare.

The moment scatters. Motionless,
I stay and go: I am a pause.

Yeah, Ely and his new band, but not really what I meant in this entry.

I have something new in my blog. Aside from the additional photo gallery in Multiply and some weird death scenes photos (as recommended by Ida) on the side section, I've added something in my header (courtesy of blogs I visited who recommended flicker). People might wonder what's with the word "disarmed"? Short background: It's a Smashing Pumpkins' song. Well, I just preferred the adjective instead of the verb. You know how a lot of poets throw out, as much as possible, adjectives from their work because they tend to overaccessorize the poem. But I disagree, adjectives are actually powerful words. On the other, the blurb, "My Pen is My Pistola" is another song, this time by Incubus. Short digression: I just heard Incubus' new single, "Make A Move". It will be featured in the new Brian Cohen movie, "Stealth" starring Jamie Foxx and Jessica Biel. It's been a year since A Crow Left of the Murder came out, and since I watched them in PICC Open Grounds when they came here March of last year. To get back, the title is obviously, "Pistola" (from the ACLOTM release). So there you go, I can't elaborate much on the word and the blurb. It's too explicable.

Since we are talking about writing (there, I gave out the explanation) here, I just literally thought about the PEN. Believe it or not, I barely write on papers recently (computers shoved me to be lazy) because I can hardly find a pen at home. So, I use pencils more often. If ever I do found some pens, either they are out of ink or they already blotted. What's the matter with our house? The only consolation I can think of is, I am not in school anymore. Maybe that explains it. But still it is a lame excuse. The Cross, Parkers and even pen gifts from the States, they are all worthless. Maybe there was some sort of wind or temperature that made them freeze, that they can't just let a drop to dribble.

But when I came to thinking, I've never been fascinated by ballpens. I don't know why. I'm more comfortable with pencils. Back in elementary days (if I can still clearly remember), children need to use pencils until they reach 3rd or 4th grade. The moment you use ballpen, it is a sign of maturity. Figuratively, I see it as the rejection of adult people of responsibility. They don't want mistakes, they want a smooth sailing flow of life. Maybe I'm stuck in being a child because I am still fond of pencils. Why? Because it is user-friendly. If you want to erase something you wrote, then it is possible. I can't appreciate a pencil without an eraser. They should come together. There are some pencils with worn-out erasers (meaning, pudpod). What's the point of using a pencil if it doesn't have its most significant element? Well, with the exception of having a separate eraser.

Today, I watched Spielberg's intrepid and colossal scheme for the silver screen, "War of the Worlds". As promoted and anticipated, the visuals, sounds and Tom Cruise were superb. I never really like him, except for a few noteworthy films like Top Gun, Jerry Maguire, Minority Report and Magnolia. He is not a rubbish actor. Perhaps I just hate how his stardom is weaved out of his personal issues. But in this movie, he made me cry. I, myself cannot believe that Tom Cruise, of all actors, made me cry in this life-taking sci-fi flick based on H.G. Wells' work of fiction. Watching it was literally, disturbing and mortifying. Movies make us sympathize with the characters and their lives but this time, my knees were literally shaking, my spine was shivering, for I feel at any moment, in the midst of the movie, the theater grounds would just crack, an alien would spew out some unknown malevolence and I would just rupture out of my seat.

Before I try to make something out of the film, I just want to share how I really did appreciate this day. Aside from being with my two buddies (Ida and Kathy), it's been awhile since I last entered the movie house. The last movie that I saw was, err, Constantine. So, there was a major transition from the time that I've watched Keanu Reeves' (and his cat) ill-timed comic relief to Tom Cruise' making me cry. It's not that I didn't have the time to hit the theaters and shell some bucks. The onslaught of piracy made me think twice. With 60 pesos-worth of burned DVD/VCD's, I wouldn't care a cinch if I am robbing a lot of movie producers and actors of their toil and talent.

Actually, that's the point of this entry. Selfishness. That was the destructive side of Tom Cruise's character in the film. In my case, why would I trouble over the implications of piracy when I am all complacent of watching a film (yet unreleased or worth eight times if I buy the original) in the private of my home? The good thing in the film was, it showed human's selfish ways. That was the offset of the greatness of Tom Cruise's character in the movie. There were a lot of scenes where Ray (Tom Cruise) contrived ways to save his family (son and daughter). There was also a Titanic-like scene (except for the poor/rich disparity) when a ship cannot encompass all passengers. But if I, myself was in that situation, I would've done the same thing. Heroes do not exist when the matter of life and death is at hand. Times like these, we can't think like how human beings ought to think. We can't be humans anymore. We become growling, devouring, ravenous creatures who want to see the sunrise, have a piece of bread, have a taste of life, and breathe the free air.

On the contrary, there was a sort of philosophical line delivered by Tim Robbins in the movie. He said "I'm deadset on living". Another paradox to be in awe of. But are we really all determined to live? Especially now, our country is in shambles, all we get is worthless jobs, sleazy bosses, hypocritical friends, disoriented minds that leave us all in discontent, wanting us to end our lives. What are we all worth for? Are there really worthy reasons for breathing and living? *sigh, sigh*

I like Spielberg's tranquilizing panorama in his films. There is serenity in the midst of chaos. There is peace in war, consciousness in the midst of catastrophe, beauty in wreckage, child in maturity, comedy in calamity. This time, it is through Dakota Fanning. In addition, it is like there is a poetic element in Spielberg's stunning, big-budgeted ventures. I like the autumn-like falling of people's shredded clothings, the parade of dead bodies along the river, the flight of birds, and a lot more (can't spoil much).

I am so enthralled by the film, despite the frustrating ending which was drastic and modest. Just a side comment: is there a feud going on between the US and Europe? For there were subliminal allusions to Europe like mentioning terrorism comes from Europe (I was expecting some Orientalism to happen once an Asian will be insinuated) and that only Europe is the least affected region of the invasion. Anyway, I want to watch it again. I want to see if Tom Cruise can make me cry the second time around. I want to check if my knees would still shudder from the sound effects. I want to see this one film to verify the boon of 21st century Hollywood cinema-genius. Not to forget, a film to verify man's egoism.  

They rally round tha' family! With a pocket full of shells
They rally round tha' family, With a pocket full of shells...

- "Bulls on Parade"

Kanta na naman ng Rage hehehe... Napaka-timely talaga.